- I am 27
If you thought that relationships were hard, just wait until you have your heart ripped from your chest and stomped all over. What happens when the break-up is for some nonsensical reason? Break-ups happen, and are a natural part of pretty much any relationship. Sometimes, you meet the right person at the wrong time, and sometimes, you just meet the wrong person, but you're so scared of being lonely that you ignore obvious s and desperately try to make it work to no avail. There are plenty of fish in the seaas your mother so aptly put it every time you had your heart broken.
Let's find out.
11 wrong reasons to break up
That will give you all the answers. That will solve all of your dating problems. But there are some principles that can help you figure out what is right for you. A lot of people in bad relationships find themselves fighting over seemingly innocuous and stupid things.
I remember one of my ex-girlfriends and I got in a huge fight about toothpaste. And we were practically screaming at each other. Shit that we are not addressing when we argue about toothpaste. People are particularly bad at zeroing in on what the issue actually is.
As always, the first step to a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship with yourself. Understand why you are upset or frustrated with your partner.
And dig into your own reasons. Why does their mother drive you insane? Start searching for the reasons within yourself, the deeper values informing the emotionsand then you can address those issues with your partner directly. And in order to do that, you have to give the other person a chance to help you fix it.
Relationships have a way of making us see everything in very personal terms. Leave personal insults out of it.
Related to the above point, it almost never really matters whose fault it is. There are always two sides of any relationship problem. Leave the scorecard behind. So leave the scorecard at home and focus on listening. A lot of people give up too easily at this point. Conflicts in relationships can usually be broken down into two : conflicts of preference and conflicts of values.
A conflict of preference occurs when two people simply like different things. Maybe they have different tastes in food or music or what movies they like.
These conflicts can be annoying, and yes, too many of them can add up to create real incompatibility. But a few of these types of conflict are inevitable in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. But is that actually a of your incompatibility or can you live with that? Does this restaurant define who you are as a person, or is it just a place you like and you can see why someone else might not be all that into it?
10 bad excuses for considering a breakup
Can you maybe just go with a friend while she does something she likes and enjoy your time apart for a little bit? A conflict of values, on the other hand, occurs when two people are different at a core level. This goes beyond simple preferences. Conflict on these beliefs and values is straight up messy.
Basically, you need to ask yourself if who you are as a person is in some sort of conflict with who they are as a person.
If the answer is yes, then it will be nearly impossible to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship with this person. A lot of people find it easy to state their boundaries, but fewer people are willing to follow through and act on their boundaries. Can people change?
Breaking up advice | the wrong reasons to stay in a relationship
Sure they can. But they have to be willing to do so in the first place. And you must be willing to enforce your boundaries on their behavior with your actions as well. That is, it really is as simple as telling them you no longer want to be with them 10 and then, well, leaving. But emotionally, we struggle with all sorts of baggage and inner turmoil that can make it difficult. Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that breakups suck no matter what you do.
When to break up with someone and when to stick it out
But the good news is there are practical things you can do to make it a clean break and as graceful as possible. I wrote about that here: How to Break Up Gracefully. Below are some books and articles to help you get started. That said, there are a few books out there that I regularly recommend to people. You can also get my free ebook on relationships and learn more about dealing with emotional needs in your relationships.
The 15 worst reasons to delay a breakup
Learn about the idea that transformed a depressed deadbeat into one of the most important philosophers who ever lived. Read about it in my free ebook. Identify the Real Problem A lot of people in bad relationships find themselves fighting over seemingly innocuous and stupid things.
Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin. Can You Live with a Compromise? As with almost everything in life, this is easier said than done obviously. Good luck out there. Footnotes People, not just ones in relationships, tend to be terrible at emotional intelligence.
Read this or this to be better at managing those pesky feelings.
See grace kelly's lookalike granddaughter
Do more of this. Repeating back what people say, summarizing the main points of their argument, and labeling the emotions they express all show you are paying attention. my newsletter and get a free ebook "3 Ideas to Change Your Life".
Here Are 3 Ideas That Could Change Your Life Learn about the idea that transformed a depressed deadbeat into one of the most important philosophers who ever lived.