- My age:
You and your boyfriend just made things official, but he already wants to spend so much time with you.
Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success hopefully. Nearly all people want control over their environment. It's human nature.
We're notoriously unable to let go and allow a situation to just be. We always feel like we have to do something to make things go our way. So don't be shocked if your man shows a few s here and there of wanting some control. It's only natural.
S of a controlling boyfriend
The big difference between someone who is merely being human and someone who is controlling is that the later in emotional and physical abuse. A person who just wants control over themselves and their environment is pretty normal. However, a person who wants to constantly control what others say and do has issues. The distinction is that one behavior does not try to restrict others' freedom while the other behavior does. The following s are red flags that your boyfriend may be headed towards becoming a controlling and manipulative person or already is one.
Don't reward your partner for being insecure and paranoid.
The first thing that you should understand about someone who is controlling is that their need for control usually comes from a deep insecurity. This doesn't mean that they're only insecure about your relationship specifically, although that certainly is part of it. An insecure person rarely limits their neurosis to just one part of their life.
The more fragile his self-image, the more controlling he is likely to be.
Because he has a flimsy emotional foundation on the inside, he will try to make up for it by controlling situations on the outside. Constant criticism from your partner may indicate an unhealthy need to control you. It may start out with small criticisms that only come once in a while, but once your boyfriend begins criticizing you constantly, he's displaying controlling behavior that is a cause for concern. This is a tact that controlling people use to influence your behavior. By making you feel small, dumb, and incompetent, you become helpless, and you're much easier to control that way.
If you feel like he's taking your power away bit by bit, then you're probably dealing with a controlling relationship. The manipulation doesn't stop with just criticism. Does he use threats to openly manipulate you?
Why it is important for you not to let your boyfriend control you?
Is everything a transaction? Is everything conditional? While it's normal to expect certain things from a relationship basic respect, fidelity, etc. Your boyfriend should either accept the relationship the way it is, talk things through like a mature adult, or leave you. Trying to alter your behavior by using threats is toxic, controlling behavior. Real love doesn't have conditions and requirements.
You just have to be you. If you often find yourself declining invites from friends and family because you're worried your partner might get mad, it may be time to end the relationship. A guy that attempts to isolate you from your support network is someone who is trying to assert his dominance. People who are isolated are easier to control, so watch out if he's talking smack about your friends or your family. It's even worse if he actively tries to start drama to drive a wedge between you and the people you care about or he blatantly forbids you from seeing them.
No one has a right to stop you from seeing your loved ones, no matter how much he doesn't get along with them.
If you catch your partner snooping on your phone or computer, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. Going back to the whole insecurity thing, controlling people often don't trust their partners. They might go to huge lengths to spy on them or follow them around to make sure that they're not stepping "out of line.
If your boyfriend is stalking you or reading your text messages, then get help immediately. This is a very badand there's no telling what could happen. Speak to a trusted friend or, if you feel in danger, you might even want to get authorities involved. Another manipulation tactic he might use is to make you feel like he "does so much for you," that you owe him your compliance. Again, this is the transactional nature of a controlling relationship. You are exchanging your freedom for whatever it is that he says he's giving you.
The controlling boyfriend checklist
Is it his way or the highway? If your partner makes you feel rotten when things don't go exactly how he wants them to, it may be time for you to separate. A controlling person cannot handle it when something doesn't go his way. If he can't manipulate a situation successfully, then he'll make sure that everyone around him is as miserable as he is. This is a message that he's sending to you: "Disobey me, and see what happens.
A controlling boyfriend tries to change you by making you feel like he would only love you or stay with you if you are exactly the way he wants you to be.
Is my boyfriend controlling? how do i know for sure?
This is a very subtle but extremely toxic way of belittling you to get you to do what he wants. He's trying to make you feel like you have to earn his love. Does your partner keep a mental tally of things you owe them and make sure you feel never like you're even? This is very unhealthy behavior.
He keeps a mental record of everything the both of you do in the relationship so that he can use them to blame you, to ask for a favor in return, or to make you feel like you didn't do enough. A relationship should be unconditional, meaning there should be an innate practice of giving and receiving.
But if your man keeps tally and demands favors in return for favors he gives you instead of practicing generous caring, then he has the upperhand. This tactic is not much different than tactics used by owners to train animals. He is creating a system wherein you will only receive his love and attention when you do something he wants.
Do you often get the teasing jab about your weight, about the way you talk, or about something that he thinks is "wrong" about you? If you get upset, he might even make you feel like your reaction is wrong by pointing out that you can't take a joke. Teasing once in a while is fine, but constant teasing, especially when there is a recurring theme about your physical appearance, your intelligence, or some other aspect of you is a form of manipulation.
Make men fall & stay in love forever
He is hoping that if you hear it enough times, you'll eventually change. It is never okay for your partner to pressure you into having sex. No matter how big of gentleman your boyfriend is outside of bed, there is no excuse for him to pressure you to have sex. In fact, it is common for a guy who spoils you, profusely compliments you, and showers you with love and generosity to expect something in return He will make you feel guilty about it by questioning your love for him.
Negative effects of an emotionally abusive marriage
You might hear him say, "Do you even love me? If you are in a situation like this, the best thing to do is to break up. It sounds extreme, but unfortunately, a guy who expects things in return for what should be unconditional love will never change.
Furthermore, guilting or pressuring a partner into sex is dangerous and toxic.
The psychology of controlling behavior
A relationship like this could lead to physical abuse or cheating. It's better to end things now than to follow this dark path and suffer even worse outcomes later on.
A partner should be encouraging, should build your confidence, and push you to believe in yourself. A controlling boyfriend, however, always has a way of making you feeling like you aren't good enough. It may come off as giving practical advice, but in reality, he's just being negative. If your man is constantly telling you your grades aren't good enough or that you aren't good enough to do [fill in the blank], then he is controlling your life decisions and ultimately your destiny.
Before you label cast your boyfriend as a controlling person with bad intentions, please carefully analyze your relationship and the situation you are both in. Yes, what he is doing is controlling, and it's not acceptable, but he could just be a negative Nancy or a very risk-adverse person. If you want to move across the country to begin a career, and he's afraid he'll lose you, he may plant seeds of doubt to persuade you to stay. Or if you wanted to go back to school, but it will be very tough to afford and there is no guarantee that you will get a better-paying job, then he may not want you to take the risk.
It all depends on the context. He may not be a bad person, just someone who has doubts and fears in a certain situation.
However, if he is always telling you things that make you feel worthless or he prevents you from doing something simple, like taking dance classes, then he is definitely a control freak, at which point, you should probably leave. Controlling people are highly skilled manipulators, and they like to use guilt as a way of getting people to conform to their wishes. In his mind, he thinks that if he can make you feel sorry for doing or not doing something, then you'll naturally give in and willingly do the thing he wants you to do.
If your man only seems to enjoy giving you love, attention, and gifts so that you always feel like you owe him, it's time to get out. A truly controlling boyfriend will shower you with material things—gifts, expensive vacations, etc. This tactic creates a relationship in which he is your benefactor. He plays this game expecting you to say "yes" to his every wish, and if you don't say "yes," he will make you feel guilty by asking why you don't do things for him after all he's done for you.
This is serious of manipulation, and men who use this power dynamic to control women cannot be trusted. Remember that a healthy and loving relationship should be unconditional, and he does not have the upper hand. He does not own you, and you do not owe him for anything.
How to get your controlling boyfriend to stop being so damn controlling!
If he chooses to do things for you or give you gifts, they should be genuine and come from his authentic desire to make you happy. He should not expect anything in return.
If he constantly makes you feel like you're less attractive or less intelligent compared to his exes or even compared to himself, then he is slyly trying to make you feel like you should be grateful to even be in a relationship. This creates a dynamic where you feel the need to strive to be more complying in order to please him.