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What if mind-blowing sex really is attainable in a long- and long-long-long- term relationship? It makes you feel special.

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The me of me. Thank you for bringing me back home to where I really live. Good friction is nice—and certainly better than bad friction. But think about the greatest sex you ever had. And fantasy can be fun, but the sexual mind is a restless consumer—always wanting something new.

The emotion that goes with it is not really desire or lust—but rather gratitude, or perhaps awe. Your sexual self is basically infantile. Your sexual self is also extremely vulnerable; it lacks the coping capacities we adults take for granted. Or so awful. What are some big misconceptions you find patients have when it comes to good sex? The first is that sex is primarily about pleasure. Sure, sex should feel good.

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The sexual self is deeply and utterly narcissistic, in the same way that very young children are narcissistic. They just want what they want. People can stop trying so hard to be good lovers. I have nothing against good technique.

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But technique has very little to do with great lovemaking. Technique tends to be about giving. But with any luck, that child will grow up with a deep unconscious feeling that the universe takes pleasure in his or her existence. Good sex should have that same organically selfish quality.

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The reality is that erotic selfishness can produce a deeper sense of connection than erotic generosity. If you simply enjoy your partner and take responsibility for your own arousal, then they can do the same, without having to worry about you.

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Most of us want to be consumed by lovers who thoroughly enjoy us. We see a lot more written about sexual generosity than sexual selfishness, because sexual generosity is easier to write about. You call up a bunch of sex experts and ask for their favorite sex tips. Sexual selfishness is much harder to write about.

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Obviously not all sexual selfishness is erotic. But obviously not all sexual selfishness has that organic, connected quality. New couples also need a lot of reassurance, and sex can be a powerful way to get that kind of reassurance. Couples usually get told to try new things: sexy dates and destinations, getting kinky together, and so on. I think these things are for the most part a waste of time. Your sexual self is like a very small. Give it a new toy and it will play with it for a week or so and then throw it away. Much better to step back and let your sexual self cultivate its own potential for wonder.

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With mindfulness, you can tune in to the subtleties of desire. You can observe how arousal comes and goes, without getting too anxious about it.

How to make your love last.

Most sexually happy couples stay contented not by seeking adventure but by disciplining themselves to pay attention to the ordinary erotic moments they share together. Mindfulness is all about paying attention, it exists only in the moment, and you have to suspend judgment for the whole thing to work—just like sexual arousal. As Masters and Johnson discovered over fifty years ago, most sex therapy involves learning to get out of your own way.

So does most mindfulness practice. I recommend couples do some kind of mindfulness practice before they have sex: I call it the two-step.

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Step one is some form of mindfulness practice—whatever works for you—and step two is to have sex. By the time your ased sex date arrives, you might not really be in the mood. Instead, I usually suggest couples make a date to go to bed together for step one with the intention of doing nothing at all. Just spend a little time cultivating attention to the moment, noticing sensations, feelings, and thoughts but not getting too attached to any of them. That stillness is where all the good stuff happens.

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Ideally, each person should take responsibility for their own desire, their own arousal, and their own orgasms. Instead, find something else that you do like that your partner likes, too. Whatever it is, make sure it makes both of you happy. Any other advice for people in committed relationships who want to still have great sex? Shut off your phones.

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Sex used to be one of the few ways people could get that kind of narcissistic gratification. Nowadays, our phones supply us with endless narcissistic rewards—likes, follows, shares, and so on. For example, just for a minute or two before falling asleep or before you leave in the morning to go to work. That way, you keep your private love channel open.

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Arousal feels good. Sure, it can be frustrating if you get aroused and you have to wait till later to have sex. But a little frustration can be erotic—especially now, when everything else increasingly happens at light speed.

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Stephen Snyder, M. Q What is good sex? And is there a secret to it? Q What are some big misconceptions you find patients have when it comes to good sex? A The first is that sex is primarily about pleasure. A People can stop trying so hard to be good lovers. Q How does mindfulness relate to sex? A Mindfulness is all about paying attention, it exists only in the moment, and you have to suspend judgment for the whole thing to work—just like sexual arousal.

Q Any tips for staying honest about satisfaction and desires? A Ideally, each person should take responsibility for their own desire, their own arousal, and their own orgasms. Q Any other advice for people in committed relationships who want to still have great sex?

A Shut off your phones. You may also like.

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