Having feelings for someone in a relationship is one of the most difficult experiences that you will face. This is because you know that this person cannot love you like you want them to.
One day, I saw her glide through the library at college and her beauty blew me away.
The next day, her eyes were looking directly at me. I looked back. Is she really looking at me? Over the weeks, the glancing and looking turned into predictable, indisputable eye contact. Intent was brewing. Invitation was appearing in her gaze. I had to talk to her. One day I smiled at her.
She smiled, blushed and dropped her head. Two adults were drawing the teenagers from one another.
I plucked up the courage to speak to her one lunchtime. I was so shy and nervous, but I had to. I thought. I pulled the chair out from beside her and we spoke. It went really well. Then I asked what brought her to Ireland. She has a boyfriend? It floored me. What just happened?
What was all that eye contact and flirtatious energy dusted into the airwaves between us? I was dumbfounded. The next question was, how do I handle the rest of the year? Just be friendly with her and carry on, I guess. So, I did. The attraction we had for each other grew as time progressed. I tried to disentangle myself from her allure. I tried seeing someone and completely avoiding her. The last week of college came and, without saying it explicitly, we knew we were about to say goodbye for good.
We sat together in the library every day. I thought I was going to be OK, until I gave her a goodbye hug. It was physically empty, I barely embraced.
It was actually the first time I had touched her. The next day, via text, I had to tell her how I felt. Upon reading the text, she broke down and felt the same. But we kept breaking. We would sit for hours in cafes just talking, never touching. About the people we were, the people we wanted to be, and how attracted we were to one another.
It was torture.
P.s. i love you
But it was incredible. And it was affirming. During the summer holidays we tried to stop it, again. We failed, again. One day we sat outside in a quiet spot and spoke for hours. Until she said to me. I knew what she meant. I put my hand to her neck and took the kiss I had been yearning for for so long.
She was cautious at first, but then she fell into me and her hands clasped at my jacket and t-shirt and whatever part of me she could grab. We both stood up and were in a state of disorientation. But I needed more, I grabbed her and pushed her against the wall, cushioning her head with my hand.
I kissed her again with everything I had. I felt her neck twist back and heard her subtle moans as my hands ran down her spine and endorphins flooded my brain until my skull nearly popped with a pleasure I had never associated with kissing. It was, unquestionably, the best kiss of my life. I knew we would feel unison. Our personalities were just too synchronised for it to not be amazing.
It was as if a secret level to being human had been unlocked, right there, in that very non-descript location of concrete and walls. My own existence unfurled a new blossom I never knew was possible.
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We tried to stop it, again. She was too bound to this relationship. This time, it worked. No contact, blocked on every platform. It was horrific, but I tried to get on with my life. The summer time was brutal. I had many long and lonesome nights staring at ceilings and blowing cigarette smoke toward the stars. Luckily, my studies began again and the intensity of missing her was somewhat alleviated. Nearly four months later, she unblocked me.
What can you do if the person you want is already taken?
Eventually, I had to message her. We had guns drawn, but slowly we eased and she expressed that she was missing me too. So much. I told her I missed her everyday. Every single day. We tried to stop the messaging again.
I really didn’t think it was possible.
Nothing for a month. s got deactivated. Until they got activated again. She messaged. We spoke. It feels undeniable. I have just enough time to see her for a second if I hurry. I park the car with hazard lights on and run into the dimly lit cafe. There she is. Her face falls to her hands as soon as she sees me and my arms wrap so tightly around her. We kiss. Her softness, her scent, her voice, her eyes… I missed everything about her.
Life and circumstance can feel like impossible hurdles sometimes. We had to kill it, again. s have been deactivated and contact has been cut. And here I am, again, lying on my bed, staring at my ceiling. Wondering how this happened?
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Dreaming of a home and children and careers together…. Am I losing my mind? A lonely man creates imaginary creature emblematic of all the yearnings in his world, but for some twisted reason the entity remains unattainable. I have to keep living, I guess, or keep dreaming. Medium is an open platform where million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking.
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