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In other words, the submissive holds the power, or at least as much power as their dominant partner. And yet, many straight men and women still balk at the idea of male submission. Long-held patriarchal stereotypes — bolstered in recent years by the 50 Shades of Grey franchise — hold that men typically assume a dominant role in bed, as in life, while women naturally trend submissive.

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When you learn how to be submissive during sex, you will experience a whole new world of kinky, incredible sex. First, keep in mind that being submissive and p ower exchange is a two-way street, which means…. Switching from regular sex to that which includes BDSM can be tricky or awkward in the moment.

Many of these activities also show up when you have rough sex. More on rough sex. This also gives you time to research BDSM activities that could be risky.

1. have a conversation about submission

If you want to give your man intense, back-arching, grab-the-bedsheets, screaming, crying orgasms that will keep him sexually addicted to you, then you'll find them in my private and discreet newsletter. Get it here. You may also find that your partner is interested in trying on the dominant role but is worried about hurting you.

This is a major stumbling block for some couples.

Quick quiz: do you give good blow jobs?

If you know that pain or submission turns you on, you can also explain how that feels for you. In fact, if he does have interest in dominating you, he might not understand what you see in playing the counterpart. If this is the case, then you simply need to explain it to him. If service is a large component, you can discuss how pleasing him ultimately pleases you as well.

Before you get to the specific activities that submission involves, you need to understand what it takes to be a good submissive. This foundation will guide your words, behaviors, and even thoughts as a submissive. The basis of submission includes only entering into play or relationship to which you fully consent, being honest with yourself and your partner, having an open mind, and caring for your mental and physical health.

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Being a good submissive requires an immense amount of trust. Otherwise, how or why would you hand over control to your partner? You should also provide feedback about scenes. You may discover you that you suck pun intended or that you are already a blow job queen. Submissives may have specific expectations in scenes and their relationships, and these things, including punishments, are agreed upon by both dominant and submissive.

Because each relationship or interaction can look so different, there is no one-size-fits-all description of what makes a good submissive. This is also why you might make a great submissive for one partner but a poor one for another. Finally, remember that there is no such thing as a perfect submissive. Your submission, like everything else in your life, is imperfect, and striving to be the best version of yourself is a lifelong project.

You can only work toward being a better submissive tomorrow than you are today, and frustrations in your life or relationship can make it hard for you to be a good sub from time to time.

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To find out more about how to be a good sub, check out our guide to submissive rules. Instead, you should look for ways to show submission to your partner that you are personally comfortable with. Generally, a submissive person will be the one who is bound, gagged or blindfolded…or a combination of all 3. Often; a submissive will wear a collar in addition to those binds.

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Your submissive persona may be the receiver of penetrative sex and impact play such as a spanking, paddling, or flogging. Some power exchange relationships extend outside the bedroom. For example, serving your partner at home or even in public can be a of subservience.

You might have a specific routine that requires you to kneel or to drop your eyes when in front of him.

Learn how to be submissive & have kinkier sex

Many of these things can be adapted to playtime in the bedroom and vice versa. Here are a few:. Of course, there are many other scenarios that you could play with your partner, and you could simply be the more dominant and submissive versions of yourselves, respectively.

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However, roles add in an idea of how a scene should play out and the type of words and behaviors that each person will display. For more tips on roleplaying, check out this guide on roleplaying. These roles are often played with bondage.

“bow down”: rethinking the implications of male submission through bdsm

You might think bondage is extreme, but it can be as simple as holding your wrists during sex or using a single pair of cuffs. It may be scheduled and activities planned beforehand, or it may be more loosely planned and spontaneous, taking shaping as you go. A safe word is a word or phrase you can say when things are too intense for you to handle. Even if you enjoy being a submissive, you may still run into intense feelings or find that your scenes trigger past traumas. Both of those things are normal, and if your relationship is healthy, you should be able to work through them to truly enjoy how erotic and freeing BDSM can be.

Beware of any partner who thinks the only way to be submissive is to give complete control. Ignoring your safe word is another huge red flag. Reaching out to members of your community should be encouraged as should remaining connected with your own support network. Your man could submit to you, the powerful woman, or you can take turns with dominance and submission.

A person who enjoys both roles is known as a switch [ 12 ], and a switch gets to experience both sides of the coin. Taking on the dominant role has the obvious benefit of you getting to use your man for your pleasure and benefit.

Lindsay goldwert's new book has us reconsidering what it means to be submissive in bed

With honest and open communication, you can safely explore those sides of you to find things that turn you on or even bring you closer to your man. One of the benefits of BDSM is that it encourages honest — and frequent — communication about sex. Now that you know some of the basics of BDSM and submission, you might be eager to start. This is known as total power exchange. No matter how experienced you are, we recommend progressing slower than you think necessary and starting any impact play lighter than light. A few studies of BDSM have been enlightening. Another study found that submissives experienced an increase in testosterone and cortisol during a scene.

Others studies found similar increases in cortisol [ 6 ]. But cortisol can also decrease due to BDSM activities [ 7 ]. You can use it similar to a BDSM manual because he teaches basic skills and talks about safety in it. Jay Wiseman also created a BDSM checklist that can stand in for a contract and describe desires, limits, and pertinent medical information.

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Kate Kinsey wrote a message to submissives about the dominants they choose to play with. This describes the behavior you should be wary of with. Finally, check out this article in the Ask Carole feature of The Guardian where Carole responds to a reader whose girlfriend can only seem to orgasm why tied up.

It discusses how orgasm works and why BDSM provides the intensity some people require.

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This question can be viewed in two ways. The first is a question about why people would be interested in BDSM in general. Mental Instability? Another study found BDSM practitioners to be no more likely to have clinical disorders than vanilla people [ 11 ]. Another study on a Dutch population found that kinksters might even be more agreeable and less neurotic than the general population [ 12 ].

BDSM enables you to try on a role. The question surrounding submission specifically is usually framed regarding self-worth. BDSM can be a healthy reflection, and you can choose how it looks. In fact, the opposite may very well be true, and your relationship should be equal outside of the scene [ 15 ].

Submissive Psychology — A Canadian study of sadomasochism found that masochists were no more mentally unstable or prone to psychological distress than other groups of people [ 16 ]. And someone who is a masochist is more likely to be drawn to submission and submitting during sex than dominance. You can be a submissive who also identifies as a feminist. You can be a strong woman and enjoy submitting.

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In fact, the reason why some people enjoy submitting is that they have so much responsibility outside of the bedroom. In fact, one research team described a study on participants like this [ 17 ]:. From the analysis of the interviews we found that BDSM participants defined their sexuality as mainly usual and normal.

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A study from found that A more recent study revealed that However, the s were lesser for tying up A few studies have looked at BDSM identities. For instance, one study found that While men more commonly identified with dominant roles,

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