RonicaWrite a message
- What is my age:
- I'm 34 years old
Well, let me rephrase that — 10 ways to bring your sexy out of hiding. She hasn't gone anywhere, but other things such as work piling up, wrestling the kids into bed and packing lunches have climbed up on the list of importance. But the health benefits of having sex are hard to argue with, what with a little rumble in the sack lowering your blood pressure, improving your mood, alleviating stress and promoting heart health in so many ways.
So many patients I've helped say, "I'm not attracted to my partner anymore. When we are in disillusionment, our partner seems more toad than princess or prince. When we fall out of love we judging with a double standard—we've married the Grinch.
How to get your sexy back
Our partner is selfish. They want to spoil our joy. In fact, this feeling clearly identifies a couple as smack in the middle of a power struggles. He or she is the Grinch and ugly. We, on the other hand, are the benign, attractive—if not heroic—Popeye: "I yam what I yam and they knew this when they married me.
Why should I consider changing when everyone else likes me as I am? No longer flexible like we were when we were falling in love, we are in lock-down. We either withdraw in silent opposition or attack the other for their inadequacy. Controlling and limiting our partner's selfishness is our modus operandi.
Meeting our partner's demands amounts to self-annihilation. If we change to be the way they want us to be, we won't be ourselves.
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Their differences alarm us. How can we be intimate with someone so alien?
Sex every day? We outright refuse.
How do you get your sexy back?
I'd have time for nothing else, we argue. You are asking me to change my lifestyle. An hour for arousal? Why can't she be like me? If she loved me, it shouldn't take so long.
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She is different. But we're married now. Taking time, energy and money belongs to "falling in love". You are trying to rob me of my resources. You want what? Or I don't want to do that dirty thing. You are different.
But I'm shy. Or I've tried that and won't try again. Feeling sexual about our partner requires three things at least. First, we have to forgive them for being human. They are not the perfect, all-giving, inexhaustible resource that we wanted. We must accept that all human love comes with limitations.
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And we must see our own warts. We too can be difficult to love; perhaps we are the very reason that they are exhausted. Second, enduring sexual attractedness takes an effort of reidealization.
Living with someone—with anyone —takes the shine off. We see them sick, on the toilet, elbow-deep in dirty diapers, tired, cranky, demanding. We age. No one can live up to their first impression. But at some point, we have to look through to stellar aspects. They are not the beast or the beauty, but both.
Seeing the beauty, takes work. It's a commitment to put on clear glasses that see both good and bad and then focus on the good. Try to see what others see. Third, love them their way.
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If it doesn't hurt and isn't against your moral code, find a way to embrace their sexual ideas. It doesn't break the bank to organize a picnic, write a poem, or find their favorite song. Practice touching your spouse 10x a day if affection makes them feel secure.
Listen with attention and focus. Ask questions that get them to expand their ideas if love is spelled t-a-l-k-i-n-g.
6 ways to get your sexy back on
Look up and smile when they come in the room. Posted October 29, Share.
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