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By Susan Anspach May 26, Are you reading this sitting down? I recommend sitting down. When I call this couch old, I really mean 6 years old. I posted the ad.

Not a nibble. Not so much as a sniff.

I reposted the ad and really tried to underscore the point: OBO, or best offer. You tell me what you think the couch is worth.

No one wants my damn couch. My big mistake was asking any money for it at all. The free couches you find on there are just the beginning. Some back part of my brain had registered the free section but never properly invested the time in getting to know it, and that is a shame. There are free Jacuzzis, free chickens.

A single free chicken coop, mysteriously offered by a person other than she with the chickens. I did open all the drawers of the dresser to discover three tube socks, one granola-bar wrapper, one cardboard medal belonging to a high-school track athlete. Two of the tube socks matched. I took those. I do feel a pang at the requests not to disturb.

Come on, everyone! Like those chickens. Who invests the time in raising perfectly good chickens only to give them away? Could said chickens be less than perfectly good? Either way, give me the details.

How serious are we about wanting to dump our free stuff? And how does that square with nobody wanting to talk or make eye contact? If we really mean business, you pony up the GPS coordinates and, should you hear anything outside your window after 9 p.

No one in my family does, and for this we have my mother to thank.

My mom sheds her possessions like they are, all of them, going out of style. She would disturb. But why introduce subpar tube socks to the sock drawer in the first place? Free firewood! BYO ax.

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Free bricks! Just pry them up from the walkway leading to my house, at a date and time convenient to and specified by me. There are free pets, guaranteed to never eat or require any veterinary care, ever. I do feel for the families giving up their pets.

At least, I feel for the pets. My s regarding six white mice, one bunny and a single red rooster named Americana all went unanswered. Finally, someone did want to communicate. Her name was Elle, and she was looking to offload a sailboat-patterned loveseat. With Elle, I should have explained up front that I just wanted to talk about her free loveseat, not actually take it off her hands.

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When I ed her, she was to the point. I felt chastised, then embarrassed a stranger on the internet could make me feel chastised. Then indignant, then back to chastised again. What the hell, I thought.

Her husband was, though. And he was friendlier.

As it happened, I did want them, and I was shuffling out to my car with them when his wife returned home. The next thing I heard was the sound of someone tripping after me in high heels down the driveway. When can you take it? You said that you would. That was four months ago.

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We still have both couches. Do you want a couch from Craigslist? To be blunt with you, the instep quality was simply not up to snuff. May Illustration by Matt Mignanelli Are you reading this sitting down? Point, vultures. Point, Elle. Four swimming holes right outside Northern Virginia. Stay Connected Our top stories delivered every week Up.

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